When you see me, do you remember the person I used to be? Do you remember the dinners I would make? How I would read to the kids in the garden? The walks we would take? That I was happy?

When you look at my wedding photo, you comment on my cute short hair. Do you notice my skin, lacking any scars? Do you see my lightly bronze skin, now turned gray? Do you see my bright eyes, now long and drawn?

You dismiss me when I tell you my story. How can anyone empathize with something they could never understand? It sounds unbelievable, I know. Maybe you think it’s exaggerated. Or maybe you don’t want to know what it really was.

A boss so cruel, she would tell a sixteen year old girl she was a horrible mother days after watching her fiance commit suicide in front of her. Fourteen hour shifts, running, heavy lifting, back breaking, ending in the early morning. Coming home to find it a disaster when I had only cleaned it the day before and had sacrificed my two hours of sleep to do so. Having only five minutes a day with my husband. All just words. No family, no friends, no holidays. Just work and sleepless nights for years. Unimaginable words.

Please don’t look at me that way. I want to be better. I’m trying to get better. You look at me like I’m a child when I tell you the thought of going back to work makes my stomach churn. I still get flash backs, late at night. Sleep once came so easily. Will it ever again?

In the blink of an eye, I’m back there again. I’m crying in the night. Begging my husband to let me quit, to help me find another way. As if he had any say. Drinking so much coffee, it felt as if my heart would stop. Sometimes hoping that it would. Praying I wouldn’t fall asleep watching the kids again, that nothing would happen if I did. Wondering if I would be able to spend time with my husband that month, or my friends that year.

Now, I still don’t get sleep. Sometimes, I’m up for days. Not because I’m not tired. My body won’t shut down anymore. Permanent damage in my feet and back. Chronic pain. I need to re-learn things that once came naturally to me, basic things. Easy things. Brain damage, short term memory loss. Yet, you look at me like a stubborn child.

When you look at me, do you remember who I used to be? Or is this all you’ll ever see?