I was struggling. Really struggling. I had finally gotten a job working from home, it was supposed to make things easier. No more working till four in the morning just to rise with the children two hours later. I’d finally get time with Erik, with the kids. I’d finally be able to keep up.

That’s not how things worked out, though. The years had worn on me, I could no longer sleep at night no matter how hard I tried, no matter the medications I was given. The damage in my spine and feet remained, nothing to be done. I had gotten out too late.

Working from home had its own stresses. Breaking up fights between children, hiding it from my clients on the phone. Timing my fifteen minute breaks to when the kids got out of school, praying that my call wouldn’t go over. Needing to remain the top performer, layoffs had started. I could not be one of them. And of course, I still needed to keep up on the apartment.

The twins had been arguing all day, I was constantly muting and un-muting my headset, trying to calm down the children. Trying to pay attention to what the customer was saying amidst screams. Only for the fight to continue five minutes later.

“Listen, you need to make sure you’re in a quite area during your calls. If this keeps up, you’ll get a wtite up. Three write ups and you”ll be let go,” my boss stated frankly. A white rage started boiling inside me. Keep it together. It’s just a bit longer.

My last call of the night went an hour late, and Erik wasn’t going to be home from school for a while. I’d have to figure out something for dinner.

Walking into the kitchen was like stumbling on a squatters den. Dishes piled up, trash on the counters and floors, and all the progress I’d made the night before was erased, like I had never cleaned anything at all.

The living room was even worse, Kaylee had cut up at least fifty pieces of paper into confetti and spread it everywhere. Evan had taken the cards out of four different board games and left them in bunches on the floor. Hot pocket packages had been left out and torn to shreds by the dog. It looked like the world’s worst bachelor party.

“Are you freaking kidding me, you guys?” I gestured to the room.

“What?” Kaylee asked.

“Um, this mess? Did it even occur to you to clean up after yourselves, or did you consciously decide to leave it for me to pick up?” I could feel the rage again, a white static sizzling under the surface.

“I’m SORRY,” Kaylee whined, slumping down into the couch.

“Sorry, Mama,” Evan said blankly, continuing to watch YouTube.

“Well, come on then. Get up and get it cleaned.”

“You mean ALL of it?” Kaylee moaned.

“After dinner,” Evan never took his eyes off his tablet.

Breathe. “No, now. While I make dinner.”

I put the corn dogs in the oven and started working on the dishes. Not even two minutes had passed before my back began to ache, attempting to pull me to the earth.

“Mom, Kaylee isn’t cleaning!”

“Nuh-uh, Evan is telling me what to do!”

“Both of you, stop fighting. Kaylee, you clean up the paper. Evan, you clean up the cards and trash. There, it’s fair for everyone.”

Kaylee threw herself onto the floor, “but that means I have to clean more than him, thats no fair!”

“Well, Kaylee. You made the bigger mess, I call that pretty fair.”

“Nuh-uh!”

I clenched my jaw. Just breathe. “Kaylee, please just get up and clean. Mommy has had a long day, my back is killing me, and I really just need your help.”

“Evans not even cleaning, so I’m not going to clean.”

I banged my fist on the counter and bit my lip. “Kaylee, Evan, clean now! Do not make me ground you!” Please, don’t.

“This is all YOUR fault!” Kaylee screamed, pushing Evan to the ground. Evan shrinking into a ball and screaming.

“STOP!” It exploded from me like a flash of light, every muscle in my body ridged as if strained from holding it in. The cup in my hand shattered, cutting my finger. My breath came out in thin, quick whistles. My mind raced, every thought muffled in a searing white haze.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?! You do realize you would already be done by now if you just shut the fuck up and did it already? Or better yet! Clean it as you make the mess so you don’t even have to bother! But no, you have to be fucking selfish and throw fits until I finally give up and do it myself. Well, you know what, I can’t anymore. I’m done! I can barely stand at the sink for five minutes! I’m broken, okay?!”

The twins were huddled together, crying.

“Just get up and fucking clean, that’s all you need to do! It’s that easy!”

Still, they didn’t say anything, just huddled together. Terrified. Terrified of me.

“Just GET OUT!” I roared.

The twins ran to their room, screaming and crying. I realized how terrifying I must have looked, how angry, how furious. Blood still dripping from my finger. I must have looked like a ravenous dog. Fangs bared, steam rising off drool and tears as they dripped from my gaping maw.

My rage folded on itself, going deeper and deeper. Reflecing on itself. Reflecting on me. I fell to my knees, put my head in my shaking hands, smearing blood across my face, and screamed until there was no more breath to give.