Late at night, while the world slept, I would find myself drowning in self laothing, pain, and the sweet release death would bring. It was as if an anvil had been placed on my heart, dragging me down, burying me underneath its massive weight.

I would contemplate what it would be like, what I would do if I did kill myself. I imagined a gun, and the moment the bullet pierced my skull. I saw it so clearly I could almost feel it. And it felt blissful. It felt like freedom.

Thinking of my kids helped stay my hand. I knew they would be better off without me. I knew they would lead happy lives. But, they still saw me as their Mom. They didn’t realize what a burden I really was. To them, it would be as if I had abandoned them, given up on them. They would wonder why they weren’t enough to live for. I could not let them live with that guilt.

It was getting harder to rationalize, even if the kids didn’t realize the fact remained; they would be better off without me. So wasn’t it better to just get it over with? No, I couldn’t do anything that would hurt them. Not in any way.

I decided to reach out to a suicide hot line and found that they had an online chat. Perfect, this way no one would hear me.

“Please help me, I don’t know what to do. All I can think about is killing myself. I’m so tired, I’m in so much pain, I just want it all to stop. I can’t take it anymore.”

“Hello,” they responded, “it sounds like you’re going through a rough time. Can you tell me more about it?”

“Yes, I’ve been trying to get my husband through school. To do so, I’ve been working until four in the morning and waking up with our twins at six. I also work in the restaurant industry, so there is a lot of heavy lifting involved. My back and feet hurt all the time, and I don’t even have time to see a doctor. I just need… time.”

They took a moment, little dots showing up to tell me they were still typing. “That does sound hard. It sounds like you’ve really been burning the candle at both ends. When you say you need time, what do you mean?”

“I need time for myself, time for my kids, time to clean our apartment so it’s not complete trash all the time, I need time away from work so I can rest and recover, but I can’t have any of that. I don’t have the option to quit my job or even to take the time off for myself. I’m trapped.” I was so overwhelmed just talking about it, so consumed in grief, frustration, and anger that I was shaking as I typed. Tears dripping onto the screen of my phone.

“I see what you’re saying, ” they replied, “isn’t there anyone who can help you so you can take the time off you need?”

“No,” I said, “we don’t have anyone like that. I’m the one who provides for our family so my husband can go to school. I don’t get vacation days at my job, so any time I do take off is unpaid. Aren’t there any programs that can help me? Anything at all? Maybe a facility I could go to?”

They replied quickly, “Of course, we have several facilities you could check into. I can provide their information if you would like.”

I hesitated, “If I do check into one of these facilities, is there also a program to help provide for my family in the meantime? Or a program that would provide child care during the day? I can’t just leave them without any income.”

The small dots appeared again, this time for several minutes before receiving a simple reply, “No, I’m sorry. There isn’t anything like that.”

I wanted to scream, I really was trapped. There was nothing I could possibly do to escape without being a burden to those I loved. Both my death and my life were a waste. I typed, “Thanks anyway, I know you tried your best,” and closed the chat. There was no point anymore, no point in anything.

No, I needed to hold on. I tried to remember my strength, how I never gave up on anything. Once I set my sights on something, it may as well already be mine. I was the only one who could do this. No one else could go all this time on so little sleep. I had to remember… I was a warrior.  So please, I begged myself,  just hold on.