boudoir

Spontaneous Suicide

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About a year after I moved out of my parents’ house, I began to feel depressed. I was lonely.  Every night, I would come home, sit on my couch, and play League of Legends. For weeks at a time, my life was work and video games. Nothing else.

There was a time that I spent every night with my friends, but over time, we began to become distant. I loved my friends. To me, they were there more than my own family had been. I was struggling with this sudden distance.

One night, I had a sevier asthma attack and realized I had left my inhaler in Steven’s car. It was late, so I tried to slow my breathing and just breathe it out. But my lungs became tighter and tighter.

Finally, I gave in and called Steven, but it went to voicemail. So I sent him a text: “Hey Steven, I’m having a super bad asthma attack and I left my inhaler in your car. I’m super sorry, but can you please bring it up to me?”

Minutes went by with no response. My lungs got tighter by the second until a small check mark showed up next to my message. He had seen it.

I waited patiently for twenty minutes…thirty minutes…an hour. No response. I was starting to panic now, and I couldn’t go to the hospital. I already owed a mountain of debt from previous attacks. Why was he ignoring me? Did he not care? Maybe he had just clicked on it and didn’t actually read it.

I called again, straight to voice mail. I texted again: “Please, Steven, I’m sorry it’s so late, but I really can’t breathe.” Again, that trusty little check mark popped up, and again, no response came.

I remembered he was supposed to be spending time with our friends Squee and Koby. Squee was one of my best friends, maybe he could help me get ahold of Steven.

I called, and almost immediately, Squee picked up the phone. “Squee,” I gasped, “can you please get Stev-” Laughter exploded on the other end of the line. The call ended.

Why? Why didn’t they care? Had I done something wrong? Tears and snot were streaming now until my breath was coming in shallow sobbing gulps.

I propped up some pillows to recline backward and remain elevated. Soon, I succumbed to exhaustion and passed out. Waking every thirty minutes or so, gasping for air.

After about the third time waking this way, I tried to fight sleep. I was scared. What if I fell asleep and never woke up? I texted Steven one more time, “Please, Steven, I don’t think I can last like this. I’m suffocating. I need my inhaler.”

As I was about to drift off yet again, the door of my apartment flew open. Steven barged in, throwing the inhaler at my feet, “There’s your fucking inhaler! Did you really have to call me a million times?!”

I sucked in the deepest I could from the inhaler, “I’m sorry,” I coughed, “I couldn’t br-breathe.”

“Do you realize this is why no one wants anything to do with you? Do you know what your friends say? They say you’re too much trouble! And you know what, I’m starting to think your family had the right idea when they kicked you out!”

“Please,” I sobbed, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know what else to do.”

“How about let me spend one night with my friends without calling all of us constantly?! How about stop calling us all together? Your family already can’t stand you, my family can’t stand you and now your friends are ready to leave! You’re worthless!”

I couldn’t breathe again. It was different this time. My breaths were coming in fast. Too fast. Thoughts raced through my mind, barley tangible yet full of impact. It was happening again. They were leaving me again. Everyone always leaves. Because there’s something wrong with me. They don’t want you here. They don’t want you in their lives. They want you gone.

It was then I saw the knife on the table. A steak knife. Sharp. Steven was still yelling something, but time had slowed, and I could no longer hear him. 

Only a few seconds had passed, and suddenly, I was staring at my wrist. A thick cut carved through it. How did the knife get in my hand? Blood. There was blood dripping. It was running down my leg. Not enough blood. There should have been more. I hadn’t cut deep enough. I knew it almost immediately, but I felt no relief.

I was vaguely aware that Steven was hitting me, as hard as he could, left to right. I couldn’t feel a thing. I couldn’t feel anything anymore. I could breathe.

The real me?

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When you see me, do you remember the person I used to be? Do you remember the dinners I would make? How I would read to the kids in the garden? The walks we would take? That I was happy?

When you look at my wedding photo, you comment on my cute short hair. Do you notice my skin, lacking any scars? Do you see my lightly bronze skin, now turned gray? Do you see my bright eyes, now long and drawn?

You dismiss me when I tell you my story. How can anyone empathize with something they could never understand? It sounds unbelievable, I know. Maybe you think it’s exaggerated. Or maybe you don’t want to know what it really was.

A boss so cruel, she would tell a sixteen year old girl she was a horrible mother days after watching her fiance commit suicide in front of her. Fourteen hour shifts, running, heavy lifting, back breaking, ending in the early morning. Coming home to find it a disaster when I had only cleaned it the day before and had sacrificed my two hours of sleep to do so. Having only five minutes a day with my husband. All just words. No family, no friends, no holidays. Just work and sleepless nights for years. Unimaginable words.

Please don’t look at me that way. I want to be better. I’m trying to get better. You look at me like I’m a child when I tell you the thought of going back to work makes my stomach churn. I still get flash backs, late at night. Sleep once came so easily. Will it ever again?

In the blink of an eye, I’m back there again. I’m crying in the night. Begging my husband to let me quit, to help me find another way. As if he had any say. Drinking so much coffee, it felt as if my heart would stop. Sometimes hoping that it would. Praying I wouldn’t fall asleep watching the kids again, that nothing would happen if I did. Wondering if I would be able to spend time with my husband that month, or my friends that year.

Now, I still don’t get sleep. Sometimes, I’m up for days. Not because I’m not tired. My body won’t shut down anymore. Permanent damage in my feet and back. Chronic pain. I need to re-learn things that once came naturally to me, basic things. Easy things. Brain damage, short term memory loss. Yet, you look at me like a stubborn child.

When you look at me, do you remember who I used to be? Or is this all you’ll ever see?

The Real American Dream

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As a child, I would read or watch the most amazing stories. To be able to clap your hands and create anything as long as you knew and possessed their chemical compositions, to travel across the land fighting off the dead, to be the world’s first female knight.

All of these stories inspired me, and they told me that as long as I held my ground and worked hard, I could achieve anything. In real life, they tell you the same thing. The American dream, anyone can work their way to the top. They just neglect to say what it will cost you.

Erik was asleep when I got home in the early morning. All I wanted to do was collapse, but I hadn’t had the chance to eat anything all night. I rummaged through the fridge, trying to find something quick to eat, maybe some Mac and cheese? No, that would take too long. The kids would be up in less than an hour.

I sighed and resigned myself to getting as much sleep as I could before the kids woke up.

I climbed over the baby gate, tripping over the edge for the second time that day, and climbed into bed, not even bothering to undress.

Erik was snoring peacefully, and though I knew I shouldn’t, I snuggled into him. Burying my face deep into his chest. He was warm, so wonderfly warm. I hadn’t gotten to spend time with him in weeks, so those times were precious.

I inhaled deeply, taking in the scent of Irish springs body wash and closed my eyes, trying to go to sleep. Now that I had finally stopped moving, my feet began to announce their complaints at the days abuse, sending painful throbs up my calves. I closed my eyes tighter, trying to ignore it, but the ache only intensified.

I checked the time on my phone, thirty minutes until my alarm went off. “Please,” I whispered to no one in particular, “I just need a little sleep. Just a bit.”

As soon as my conscious started to fade, Erik’s alarm went off, and the cooing of playfull babies filtered in. “Erik, is there anyway you can go in just a few hours late? I got back late from work again and haven’t slept at all. I just need an hour or two.”

“I’m sorry love, it’s Thursday. I have labs on Thursdays, and I can’t miss it.”

“Oh, right. Sorry, I forgot it’s Thursday.”

He got dressed and leaned over to give me a kiss goodbye. “I love you,” he said apologetically. 

“I love you too,” I replied, holding back tears. I knew it wasn’t his fault, we were doing what we needed to in order to survive and provide for the twins. But it didn’t make it any easier knowing that.

Hearing the twins babbling become louder, I slapped my cheeks and crawled out of bed. Opening the door to their room, I walked into a nightmare. They had figured out how to get their pajamas off and had discarded their diapers. Kaylee was on tip toes in her crib, Evan with his hands in a fresh diaper. Tiny, brown stained hands marking the walls, bed, and carpet.

“Oh, no, no, no!” I yelled, scooping up the twins. They were completely covered head to toe.

After cleaning them off in the bath, I grabbed all the cleaning supplies I could find and started scrubbing down their room. I wasn’t even half way done before Kaylee started screaming for Nom noms.

“Okay, okay. Let’s see if there is anything easy to make.” I would have killed for some simple cereal or oatmeal, but we were out. Even eggs seemed like too much an effort, but they would have to do.

I gave the twins their eggs and sat down on the couch across from them to eat mine. An hour later, I woke up. The twins were nowhere to be seen, and our eggs were scattered all across the floor. I had passed out.

I flung myself off the couch in a panicked flurry. The baby gate had been knocked down, I rushed past and down the hallway into our bathroom, calling their names.

I found the twins in a desert of kitty litter. An entire bag had been emptied onto the bathroom floor and into the toilet, the twins sopping wet and covered in a kitty litter mud from head to toe.

I didn’t care about any of it, I was just so glad they were okay. I scooped them both into my arms and held them tightly, sobbing loudly.

Evan took his tiny hand and swept away my tears, “No cry, Mommy.”

I let out a half laugh, half sob, and put my hand to his, forcing a smile. Right, I could do it for them. “Let’s get you guys cleaned up, Mommy’s bathroom isn’t a beach, you know!”

I gave the twins their second bath of the day, cleaned up the mess of eggs, finished cleaning the twins’ room, fed the twins lunch, and finally cleaned up the kids’ homemade beach.

By the time I was done, Erik was getting home, and it was already time to go to work. Time for it to start all over again.

I gave Erik a big hug hi, and bye, and left. Just ten more hours, I would finally get at least two hours of sleep, I thought. And just nine more years, and it’s all over.

This is the story of the American dream that nearly killed me.

In the hours after

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The slam of the door left a dull sound echoing as Erik stormed out. Kaylee’s cries seeming to carry it through the apartment. I held her, my poor little girl who could not possibly understand what was happening. Or why. I barely understood myself.

“Why would you make daddy leave,” Kaylee cried, “that is such a mean thing to do!”

“I know you don’t understand sweetheart. You might someday. For now…just know that Daddy did something to hurt Mommy. And Mommy just needs some time.”

“What did Daddy do to hurt you, Mommy?” Evan asked, crawling into my lap with Kaylee.

Erik hadn’t had the nerve to tell them what he had done. He had no conscience when it came to having an affair…but when it came to looking our children in the eye and telling them what he had done, he had not been able to stomach it and told them simply that he would tell them someday. But then again, I didn’t have the nerve to tell them either.

“I’ll tell you when you’re older,” I told them both. I probably never would. Destroying how one looks up to their parents was a concept I was all too familiar with. I didn’t want to be apart of that process for them.

We cuddled there for a while in a silent numbness. Eventually the kids, being resilient as children often are, got up and started to play. I laid there, huddled under my blanket. Trying to block everything with sleep, unsuccessfully. Instead, I watched them play. Silently crying, wondering if our family was about to break.

It wasn’t long before I needed to get up. Needed to move. So I cleaned everything in sight. I scrubbed the walls, cleaned the dishes, mopped the floors, picked up the kids room, until there was nothing else to clean. The only thing left to do was to unbox my new computer for the dream job I had been longing for since the kids were born. A job working from home, where I could be with my children and my husband. A job that was supposed to fix everything. But nothing was that simple. How could I start a new job in the morning with everything going on? How was I supposed to put on a smile and pretend to be a cheerful woman excited for a new adventure? I huffed at the boxes and decided to ignore them. Unboxing them would mean moving forward despite everything. I wasn’t ready for that.

I plopped back down onto the couch, but it wasn’t long before my thoughts started to over take me again. I needed to talk to someone. Anyone. But it was still early in the morning, which meant it was even earlier across the country where my family and friends were. I messaged my Mom and my friends anyways. Hoping someone was awake. I stared at the screen, my foot tapping impatiently. Nothing.

I fell back on the couch exasperated. Suddenly realizing just how alone I was here. It had been hard, moving here for Erik’s school. But before, at least I had him. Now, I had no one to turn to. No one to occupy my time with. No one to talk to. Erik, at least had his sister. I scorned him for bringing me here. For doing this to me when I had no where to escape to. When I had sacrificed everything; my home, my dreams, my family. Just for him to cast me aside when it had all finally become too much for me to endure. I wondered what excuse he possibly had to give. If any excuse he had could possibly be enough. I doubted it.

I slammed my fist into the pillow next to me. As if that could make me feel the least bit better. I couldn’t wait any longer. I stalked into my room and closed the door so the children couldn’t hear me before dialing my little brother Austin’s phone.

“Hello?” He answered, sounding as if he had stayed up all night playing video games again.

“Hey Austin, I am so sorry to wake you up this early…can you grab Mom? It’s important.”

“Yeah, one sec,” he mumbled, sounding somewhat annoyed.

After a few minutes of shuffling noises and static Mom answered. “Hey, what’s going on?” She asked.

“Hey, Mom,” violent sobs started to take over me the moment I heard her voice. I suddenly remembered all the times Mom had told me she thought Erik was just using me. Taking advantage of me. And now, despite always telling her she was wrong, I was about to prove she had been right all along. I hated that almost as much as what Erik had done. “Erik’s been having an affair,” I choked.

“What?!” she yelled. She sounded genuinely surprised. I had half expected an ‘I told you so.’

“How do you know?” she asked.

I told her everything, how I had seen the Just for Us page up on his phone. How I had recognized it was discord, then found the channel on his lap top. How they spoke of loving each other, how Erik had consoled her and told her they would get through this. I was blubbering through snot and tears by this point. I felt like a child running to their mother after getting a scraped knee. No amount of kissing boo boo’s and band aids would help this though.

When I was finished recanting the mornings events, Mom went quite for a moment before stating “you’re coming home.”

For some reason, it wasn’t until that moment that I truly realized the implications of exactly what was happening. Was my marriage really ending? Was I going to have to move back home in shame? Was I going to have to raise my children by myself, without them ever truly understanding why we had run far away from their father? Would they resent me? Were these past six years of toture for nothing? How would this affect them…?

“I can’t Mom, he’s their Dad” was all I could say. I felt as the figurative key turned, locking me into the cage that was now my life, and again I cried.

Just for us

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I woke from a bad dream early in the morning. I laid there, frozen. I rolled over to curl up into the back of my husband for comfort, but he was awake, looking at his phone. Just for us flashed in a white font on a black background. It took a moment for my eyes to adjust before I realized it was a discord channel. As I blinked the sleep from my eyes I began to make out gifs that spoke of loving and missing someone. Someone that wasn’t me.

Erik put his phone down and I immediately pretended to be asleep. Maybe I wasn’t understanding what I was seeing. Erik rolled over and put his arms around me, kissing me slowly and moving his hands down toward my breast. I couldn’t get the bold white words out of my mind, so I rolled out of bed and told him to get some sleep while I got the kids breakfast.

I tried to banish the thought from my mind. My husband was not the type to cheat. It was likely one of his gaming groups he was just paling around with. But the thought persisted as I scrambled cheese into an egg mixture. I set breakfast on the table and looked up to see my husbands laptop sitting out on his desk…I had to know.

I sat in his office swivel chair and hesitantly opened his laptop, stopping before putting in his password. I had to be mistaken, I thought. I opened his discord and saw the channel I was looking for right away. Its logo was a red heart on a white background with the initials E +S centered in the middle. Probably just some kind of joke, I thought.

I clicked on the logo, and immediately, my heart dropped. This was no joke. This was no misunderstanding. It was all there in plain white text. My husband professing his love for another woman. A woman who was afraid of losing him. A woman he continued to reassure that they would get through this. A woman named Sab. I stared numbly at the screen for several minutes. I couldn’t bring myself to read any further.

Somehow I brought myself to stand and walk back towards our bedroom where he laid awake in his bed. Probably waiting for her to respond to the message he had written her the night before. “Get out,” I said as calmly as I could muster.

“What?” he asked. It was incredible how genuinely confused he looked.

“Get out,” I repeated. This time more firmly.

“Come here, tell me what’s going on,” he patted the bed inviting me to sit.

“No. You heard me. I want you out,” tears were streaming down my face uncontrollably now. His feigning ignorance sparked rage within me. I turned sharply and marched back down the hallway and threw myself sharply down into his chair. I took my phone out and quickly started taking as many pictures of their page as I could before Erik followed me into the room.

He froze when he saw what I was looking at. There could be no more pretending now. I turned and again said, “get out.”

“Lets just talk about this…” he muttered.

“What exactly is there to talk about, Erik? That you cheated on me? That you had an affair?”

“How are we supposed to fix any of this if you don’t talk to me?!” He was yelling now, frustration and annoyance showing through. But not regret. No sign of apology.

“You’re kidding right?! Talk about this?! I have been trying to talk to you for years, trying to spend time with you for years! I’ve done all the talking I possible could do, you ignored me. You betrayed me. And now you have to leave!”

He put his hands up in defeat. “Fine.” He stomped his way back to our room where he grabbed his backpack and started angrily throwing his school supplies and books into the bag. I couldn’t help but notice the lack of clothes he was bringing. Presumptuous of him.

Once his things were packed he sat down and called the kids over to him. “Daddy has to go,” he told them.

“Why?” Kaylee whined.

“Because Daddy made a mistake. And Mommy doesn’t want me here anymore. Which is more than reasonable.” I scowled at the obvious attempt he was making.

“What kind of mistake Daddy?” Evan asked.

“…You’re a little too young to understand now. But maybe I’ll tell you when you’re older. For now, all you need to know is that Daddy hurt Mommy”

“I don’t want you to go Daddy,” Kaylee started to cry. Clinging to the collar of Erik’s shirt.

“I know baby,” he said, “but Daddy needs to give Mommy some space right now.” With that he stood and gave each of the kids a big hug. He slung his backpack over his shoulder and made to leave through the back door. “I love you,” he called as he made it to the end of the hallway.

“Don’t say what you don’t mean,” I stated blankly. He slammed the door behind him. Kaylee started crying. Evan seemed un-phased. “Come here, baby,” I held my arms out to hold her. She came and snuggled with me as she sobbed on the couch.

“Why would you make Daddy leave Mama? Why would you do that? That is such a mean thing to do,” she bawled.

I stroked her hair. Taking in the unique smell that was my little girl. “I know baby…I know.”