The night before my life was turned upside down, you never would have guessed my family was about to be run into the ground.

It was Halloween night. Kaylee looked absolutely gorgeous in her Rapunzel costume. Evans Mario costume was a bit too tight for him, but he loved it so much he didn’t care.

We sat on my sister-in-law Carrie’s back yard patio chatting and drinking a beer my brother-in-law Saul had given me while the twins played with their cousins Henri and Yvie.

Erik laughed at something on his phone. I adored his laugh. “What are you laughing at?” I asked playfully.

“Nothing,” he said bluntly, “you wouldn’t get it.”

“Hey now,” I said rubbing his leg, “you never know, I might get it.”

“Its nothing, just an eye joke one of my classmates sent me.” He was going to school to be an optometrist.

I could tell he didn’t want me to push the topic, so I dropped it. Now, I want to punch myself in the face every time I think back to this specific moment. How did I not see this coming?

The rest of the night progressed without fault. We took the kids trick-or-treating around the block. Making sure to only visit the houses who had safety precautions for the covid pandemic.

I had gone into this Halloween expecting to be disappointed, but I was astounded at the lengths the neighborhood had taken to make this holiday safe and fun for the kids. In fact, they got more candy than they had any other year.

Once the kids started to complain that they were cold and tired we made our way back to Carrie’s and Saul’s where they immediately dove into their treasure trove of sugary treats. It wasn’t long before a sugar craze ensued. Kids running around like wild animals while we talked and played games.

“How have you been doing lately,” Carrie asked.

I had been struggling with depression for the last few months, the pandemic not helping matters. Recently I had met with a doctor (finally) who prescribed me anti-depressants. “I’ve actually been feeling a lot better, almost normal in fact.”

“That is great to hear! Just keep at it and it won’t be long before you are back to your normal self,” Saul grinned.

I hoped that they were right. For the entirety of the seven years of my marriage to Erik, I had somehow been able to juggle everything. I worked 60 hours a week, did all the cleaning, made breakfast and lunch for the kids before going to work. All so Erik could make it through school. But ever since we moved across the country, just the idea of getting up and taking a shower drained me. It was like wading through cement all day every day.

Soon, the kids sugar rush had drained. Their excitement and fun quickly turning into screaming tantrums. We gathered up their candy and their toys and packed the belligerent kids into the car.

It was late by the time we got home, so we gave the kids hugs and kisses. Had them brush their teeth, and go to bed.

I was excited to spend the rest of the holiday with Erik. Maybe watching a scary movie. Halloween was my favorite holiday after all. Instead, Erik plopped himself down in front of his laptop. His prime position for when he didn’t want to be bothered.

“How would you feel about getting us some drinks and spending time together?” I asked.

“Not tonight.”

“Okay, we could watch a movie together. Take it easy.”

“You know what, I’m actually really tired. I’m just going to take my laptop and watch some shows in bed till I fall asleep.” With that he gathered his things and went into our bedroom. Closing the door behind him.

I put on my headphones, listening to Hamilton, wondering what it would take for my husband to want to spend time with me, before finally carrying myself to bed early in the morning.