I woke from a bad dream early in the morning. I laid there, frozen. I rolled over to curl up into the back of my husband for comfort, but he was awake, looking at his phone. Just for us flashed in a white font on a black background. It took a moment for my eyes to adjust before I realized it was a discord channel. As I blinked the sleep from my eyes I began to make out gifs that spoke of loving and missing someone. Someone that wasn’t me.

Erik put his phone down and I immediately pretended to be asleep. Maybe I wasn’t understanding what I was seeing. Erik rolled over and put his arms around me, kissing me slowly and moving his hands down toward my breast. I couldn’t get the bold white words out of my mind, so I rolled out of bed and told him to get some sleep while I got the kids breakfast.

I tried to banish the thought from my mind. My husband was not the type to cheat. It was likely one of his gaming groups he was just paling around with. But the thought persisted as I scrambled cheese into an egg mixture. I set breakfast on the table and looked up to see my husbands laptop sitting out on his desk…I had to know.

I sat in his office swivel chair and hesitantly opened his laptop, stopping before putting in his password. I had to be mistaken, I thought. I opened his discord and saw the channel I was looking for right away. Its logo was a red heart on a white background with the initials E +S centered in the middle. Probably just some kind of joke, I thought.

I clicked on the logo, and immediately, my heart dropped. This was no joke. This was no misunderstanding. It was all there in plain white text. My husband professing his love for another woman. A woman who was afraid of losing him. A woman he continued to reassure that they would get through this. A woman named Sab. I stared numbly at the screen for several minutes. I couldn’t bring myself to read any further.

Somehow I brought myself to stand and walk back towards our bedroom where he laid awake in his bed. Probably waiting for her to respond to the message he had written her the night before. “Get out,” I said as calmly as I could muster.

“What?” he asked. It was incredible how genuinely confused he looked.

“Get out,” I repeated. This time more firmly.

“Come here, tell me what’s going on,” he patted the bed inviting me to sit.

“No. You heard me. I want you out,” tears were streaming down my face uncontrollably now. His feigning ignorance sparked rage within me. I turned sharply and marched back down the hallway and threw myself sharply down into his chair. I took my phone out and quickly started taking as many pictures of their page as I could before Erik followed me into the room.

He froze when he saw what I was looking at. There could be no more pretending now. I turned and again said, “get out.”

“Lets just talk about this…” he muttered.

“What exactly is there to talk about, Erik? That you cheated on me? That you had an affair?”

“How are we supposed to fix any of this if you don’t talk to me?!” He was yelling now, frustration and annoyance showing through. But not regret. No sign of apology.

“You’re kidding right?! Talk about this?! I have been trying to talk to you for years, trying to spend time with you for years! I’ve done all the talking I possible could do, you ignored me. You betrayed me. And now you have to leave!”

He put his hands up in defeat. “Fine.” He stomped his way back to our room where he grabbed his backpack and started angrily throwing his school supplies and books into the bag. I couldn’t help but notice the lack of clothes he was bringing. Presumptuous of him.

Once his things were packed he sat down and called the kids over to him. “Daddy has to go,” he told them.

“Why?” Kaylee whined.

“Because Daddy made a mistake. And Mommy doesn’t want me here anymore. Which is more than reasonable.” I scowled at the obvious attempt he was making.

“What kind of mistake Daddy?” Evan asked.

“…You’re a little too young to understand now. But maybe I’ll tell you when you’re older. For now, all you need to know is that Daddy hurt Mommy”

“I don’t want you to go Daddy,” Kaylee started to cry. Clinging to the collar of Erik’s shirt.

“I know baby,” he said, “but Daddy needs to give Mommy some space right now.” With that he stood and gave each of the kids a big hug. He slung his backpack over his shoulder and made to leave through the back door. “I love you,” he called as he made it to the end of the hallway.

“Don’t say what you don’t mean,” I stated blankly. He slammed the door behind him. Kaylee started crying. Evan seemed un-phased. “Come here, baby,” I held my arms out to hold her. She came and snuggled with me as she sobbed on the couch.

“Why would you make Daddy leave Mama? Why would you do that? That is such a mean thing to do,” she bawled.

I stroked her hair. Taking in the unique smell that was my little girl. “I know baby…I know.”